There have been many changes in the past 1.5 years as people come and go. Granted that the department is now emptied of the people I deeply love, I still love my job and the dynamic organisation that touches the lives of so many.
I just don't like my job portfolio.
Reason why I have hung on till now is because I think there is a good job fit. My skillsets enable me to value add to the department's work. But there recent changes in portfolio doesn't allow me to contribute using all of my skillsets, and the top-down approach means I don't get to fight for what I love to do, what I am passionate about. In short, I feel unchallenged and that I have lost my voice.
Feeling at the crossroads now, whether I should move into a new area and seek new challenges that fuel me; or whether I should hang in there because I still use my skillsets partially. Plus I don't want to give up when the going gets tough. If I should leave, I want to leave on a high note.
A lesser reason is the change in department culture.
In the past, ex-colleagues and I knew what each other were doing and we discussed issues collaboratively. We did not require prompting to offer a hand when someone needed help. And if we were struggling it wasn't below us to ASK. Today, for some reason people are secretive. Work is comparmentalised, not to mention dished out based on what the boss thinks you're stereotype good at. Things are less than efficient because people are unwilling to ASK what they don't know, and ASK what has been done in the past.
Bitching about this seem to imply an inability to adapt. However, if I really couldn't adapt I would not still be here. I have a clear understanding that I cannot expect things to stay the same forever. But it is the knowing that things could be better than what they are existingly that bites me.
To me it is sad that my greatest personal achievement this year at work has nothing to do with my portfolio. My bosses don't even know about my involvement. My greatest achievement... was being emcee for a Standards seminar. I'm extremely grateful to the person who saw the potential in me and entrusted me with the role since public speaking is by no means something that people will associate me with. I am also thankful for the experience which allowed me to bear witness to how the organising comm came together to deal with the issues that day. I saw how they came together to celebrate the event's closure and was part of it. The congratulations were genuine, there were no personal victories only team victories that day. Which brings me to the point- our department also organises a number of events but why is the sense of joint victory not there anymore?
After all the rationalising, my head is abit clearer now. With the two issues laid out on the table, time to think and strategise my next steps. For too long I've forgotten my motto of "change the world or go home", it is time that I take concrete steps to address the things that are bugging me.
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